Here’s a fun fact: I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, and I’m okay with that. 

I’ve been in a real ‘screw it’ mood for a while, and have been keeping my frustrations to myself(except to a few lucky people who get to hear me vent about my life problems), hoping I would be less annoyed in the long run. Not so. 

Since graduating a whole two days ago, I thought I would feel a bigger burden lifted off of me, but instead there’s just as much pressure as before to figure out what I’m doing next. I considered running off to Ireland and hiding in the middle of nowhere, away from judgment and questions.

Joke. Anyway, regardless of the fact that I still look like I’m fourteen(thanks, braces), the pressure has never been greater to get my life into order and do something great in this next stage of life.

I’m a terrible planner. Most of my nineteen years have been unplanned, and it’s worked out just fine so far. And while I do believe in some planning(I’m not going to sit around my house and just wish for a job and life ambition to come to me), I don’t like the idea that you have to have everything figured out by the time you’re a specific age, or the idea that you can’t be successful without getting a degree. 

I’m a big believer in greatness. I just don’t think there’s only one way to achieve it. In my ideal world, everyone would stop asking me what college I’m going to in the fall, and start asking me what I feel called to, what makes me feel fulfilled, or what I feel the most alive doing. That way I could stop being like a failure when I say I’m not going to college, and stop having to explain to everyone my reasons for that decision. I’ve recently realized that I don’t care that much if people think I should go to college, but I do care what people think of me. As the resident baby face, I’ve found it’s pretty easy for people to treat me like a kid, and take on a protective mentor role. Which is really great, except that it happens all too often. I don’t enjoy feeling like I’m five years old all of the time.

With that, I’ve learned to take on a different attitude, where I defend and up-sell myself to everyone, trying to show them how independent and capable I am. It’s an endless loop. I’m a words of affirmation person(thumbs up for the love languages), and words mean a hell of a lot to me. As much as I say that constantly being critiqued about my future choices doesn’t hurt sometimes, it definitely does. 

Christians talk a lot about God’s calling in our lives. As someone who doesn’t feel specifically called in any direction, it was always hard for me to wrap my mind around that, because I felt kind of lost. I tend to think that everyone else has a calling, and I’m just floating around not knowing what mine is.

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” 

This verse rocked my world a few weeks ago, as I started thinking about how God gave methe desires of my heart. It’s cool to think that the areas I feel lead to or gifted in, were given to me by God himself. It’s so often that I invite God into the plans I’ve made, when really, he is the one inviting me into the plan he’s already blessed for my life. I don’t think my next life step is to get a degree, get a full time job, or completely figure out what I’m interested in. I think there’s a lot to be said about faithfulness in the small things. 

Uncertainty is a scary thing. I tend to think that I can handle everything on my own, and plan my life around what feels good or safe. My understanding of my life’s potential is so minimal. It’s much easier for me to choose the safe path, the one I’m comfortable with, than to let go and give God the control he deserves. It sounds silly when I think about it, how I think I know better than the very creator of my life. 

Dietrich Bonhoeffer says, “There is no way to peace along the way of safety. For peace must be dared, it is itself the great venture and can never be safe. Peace is the opposite of security. To demand guarantees is to want to protect oneself. Peace means giving oneself completely to God’s commandment, wanting no security, but in faith and obedience laying the destiny in the hand of Almighty God, not trying to direct it for selfish purposes.”

This, of course, doesn’t mean I should sit at home and do nothing. Instead, it means putting my trust fully and completely in him. In not planning my future, there’s a certain fear and uncertainty. I would love nothing more than to be certain of what the next step is for this year, but that isn’t the case. I may not know what I want to study or what job I’d like to have. But I do know that God’s calling on my life is to be faithful to listen to him as he guides me.