I’ve been having a lot of thoughts and no time or energy to put them into words that make sense. turns out being a full time barista gives you a very small amount of time to even be able to process your own life. one of my least favorite things is to feel as though I’m being taken advantage of. this goes beyond people only loving me for the free ice cream and coffee I can provide(joke), I mean people who would treat a friendship as something that’s only good when they need something. it makes me feel like a therapist, almost, having friends come to me when things are hard, but forget about me once they don’t need advice anymore. so I start to feel down and think I’m being used and abused, and that people only want or need me when they can’t handle something on their own. you feel me?

I don’t think of myself as a controlling person. I’m not someone who wants to micro-manage every detail. 

I thought.

sometimes life is just overwhelming. I come to a point where everything I’ve been trying to ignore catches up with me, and my brain and heart feel like they’re going to explode all at once. it’s then that some lucky friend gets the entire contents of my brain in a phone call one night. 😉

man, it’s so easy to think we have our lives handled until we can’t deal with it anymore. we’re okay until we aren’t. it never seemed like a control issue to me, trying to manage some parts of my life. sometimes I told myself I was helping God out by handling the parts I could. that sounds ridiculous when I think about it. as if He isn’t capable enough, that he needs the help of a 5’2 human who nervous laughs her way through most issues. 

I don’t go to the extreme and think that I have no responsibility at all. I believe God gave us the will to think for ourselves, and given the wisdom he bestows, we can become more in tune with his heart and his purposes for our lives. but it is easy to try to micro-manage everything. 

comfort hits at the weirdest times, like when I was cramming in my devotion before an early shift and found a verse in exodus. 

“the lord will fight for you and you have only to be silent.” exodus 14:14

I’ve been trying for a few months to get my life to the point where it was manageable. chaos likes to follow me, and I know I’m not the only one. i use too many words to protect myself, or I don’t speak soon enough and get myself in trouble. I rush into things when the timing is wrong, and I try hard to force things I feel are good for me that turn out to be harmful. it all gets so messy and I’m left just wondering why I thought I could manage in the first place. 

Jesus promises to fight for me, yet most days I try all the fighting on my own. he shouldn’t be the one I run to when I’m stressed and can’t help myself anymore. yes, he’s there at those times, too. but sometimes that character quality, the one that helps when we’re desperate, is the one that comes to mind first. I have to remind myself of his full character, how he’s a faithful and constant God, one who does not disappear when my life is chill, and reappear when things need fixing. he freely offers love and help and doesn’t throw himself a pity party or feel as though I’m ‘using’ him. 

his ‘bigness’ is evident when I realize how small I am without him. he fights for me and all I need to do is be silent.